Jaxton first real Audition

So this last week Jaxton got the amazing opportunity to Audition for a pretty amazing gig in LA.  He was very excited.  We knew they needed one girl and one boy and they would get to work along side the amazing Chelsie Hightower and Jason Celaya.  He went to the audition and it went great.  We could tell they were interested in him because he stayed back for quite a while.  We then were told if we didn't hear from them by the next day at noon than they didn't get the part.  Well Jaxton got an email from Jason saying that the producer loved him and he was their favorite boy.  That was such fun and exciting news but they were in the process of deciding wither they were going to change up how they launched the new product and that they may only want girls after all.  We waited one more whole day to find out that the producer had changed the game plan for the launch of the product.  I was so worried about telling Jaxton he was so excited to participate.  We got a very nice email from Jason saying that he likes Jaxt and he will defiantly use him in a project sometime.   When I first told Jaxt I could tell he wanted to crumble but we were at a friends house so I took him home thinking he just needed some time.  During our drive home the conversation we had blew my mind.  Although he was sad that plans had changed he really understood it.  He said to me mom Me making it in this industry is no different than me learning to get a new BBOY move. I responded to him " how "  he then proceeds to tell me that he hits the floor at least thousands of times and puts tons of hours in to stick just one move , stall, to master his footwork and to learn the choreography.  He then said to me "does it suck? sure it does but am I crushed no.  I am just going to keep doing what I do best and that's not being afraid of trying new things and failing until I get it right and putting in the hours to make me the best I can be.  So I can live in my Excellence and if its meant for me to be in this industry it will happen."  Then he says " but I could still use a good hug right now".   

I seriously am blown away by his commitment level and his ability to reason with everything thrown his way.  He is the hardest working 9 yr olds I know and I am so proud to call him my son.  He is going great places cause he is not afraid to step out of his comfort zone to get there.  I love you Jaxty Boy!  You make me prouder than you will ever know and you should be proud of yourself you did get picked for the boy spot. 

First of many Auditions and no's 

Playing in the snow is a great distraction from my symptoms

It has been snowing so much in the last couple days. We have slid on the roads spent hrs in the car , we have all had our turns falling down. So today I decided we are not going out in all this mess. We declared a snow day.  I have felt bad cause of the bad inversion that has been here for weeks I just couldn't let Jaxton with his asthma spend time outside so we also wouldn't let the other kids so Jaxt wouldn't sad. So today was the first time they have played in the snow this winter. Its defiantly the most snow they have ever played in.  They loved playing with the water with food coloring in it. Lola just colored all the snow.  They all took time to take the snow off the tramp and make a hill so they could slide down.  Alex and I both went out and played with them.  Zoe was cracking us up . She was crazy and she loved just running outside. She kept jumping on the tramp and prancing around while the snow would bounce around her.  I forget that even my dog gets a little stir crazy during winter months.  We had so much fun and it was a great distraction to my realization that my vision was really going. I sure love these moments when we are making memories that will live with them forever.  After playing in the snow we came in and had hot coco and chicken noodle soup.  What a great day.   I Just love my sweet kids and my husband. 

Lola loved coloring the snow with food coloring in a squirt bottle

 

Zoe Jumping on the tramp

 

Oh I love this girl! She keeps me in stitches

Jaxty boy! What a little stud

 

Zoe was shocked when the snow flew up from her prancing on the tramp

This guy just keeps me going. He is the sweetest kid. Just love him

haha it looks like she is peeing

 

Here we go again.

5 days ago I noticed that my vision was going blurry on and off.   I just kept telling myself its other things but today its way worse.  My Journey with all this started when I was pregnant with my beautiful Lola.  I had vision loss in one eye. We went to the eye doctor and he very quickly told me that he thought it could be something like MS.  My life changed that day.    So back to today it hit real hard when this symptom returned and it is worse its now both eyes.  It really scares me and I don't like to admit it.  I decided when this all started that I was not going to complain and let this interfere with my family.  Obviously I couldn't control my life being disrupted by my symptom's.  There was times I couldn't even pick my baby up and I couldn't feel her hair as I ran my hand through it. I just worked so hard to be strong and handle it.  Tonight I was overwhelmed with emotions that I have never let myself feel.  It felt just like it did in that moment that the doctor told me there was nothing he could do for my vision.  I know I can't live in the what ifs but I also have to be realistic that my life could change at the drop of a hat.  I honestly can not comprehend not being able to see my Payton holding his animals, jaxton dancing , and all of Lola's outfits.   It really makes me look up and ask myself am I taking advantage of all the opportunity's that I have with my kids and Alex.  I know that  if I woke up tomorrow and couldn't see , walk, or feel my arms I would be so upset with myself if I didn't do as much as I could when I was able to.   I know that in a couple days I won't be emotional and I will have my game face on but I had to acknowledge that I do feel the emotions over all this.  I haven't Had any symptoms since July. That's the longest time frame I have ever gone and I can honestly say I almost forgot that my life can change so quickly and I can't choose the ways it goes.  I almost convinced myself I was cured.  So know I get up and figure out how my kids will get to school, dance , wrestling.  Thank heavens I have the most loving and supportive husband who just loves me unconditionally.  I feel so much guilt around the fact that he has to take lots on when symptoms come on and that at some point he might have to completely care for me.  I don't think he deserves that. I am so grateful that he just tells me every time that it will all get handled and its OK he loves me and would do anything for me.  I couldn't ask for a better best friend to be here for me.  Tonight he cried with me, held me, started a bath for me so I could relax.  I LOVE YOU ALEX MILLAR!!!! I couldn't do all this without you.  As I was listening to my music tonight a song really hit me and its exactly what I have to do

              Cause when push comes to shove you taste what your made of. You might bend tell you break cause its all you can take. On your knees you look up decide you've had enough. You get mad , you get strong, wipe you hands, shake it off,  Then you STAND.
            Take what your given before it gone start holding on, keep holding on.  Every time you get up  and get back in the race one more small piece of you starts to fall into place. Then you STAND!

So now I STAND no matter how hard it gets. I know its going to be frustrating, sad,  and sometimes moments of me seeing what I am really capable of.  I promise, I really promise I am going to Stand not just for my kids and husband but for myself. I have to remember I am worth that.  I know I am strong I just get to choose to be living there and not be complacent in my life.   So here we go I am going to jump in and take this on.  Sorry for the pity party but sometimes I just have to let myself feel those things for just a moment before I STAND.


               
           
             
             


           

Final Roll Call

So I have been needing to finish up my videos for the family of my Uncle Scott's services but I really almost had to put it down cause I was feeling so sad.  Life is such an amazing thing and sometimes its really hard to understand why things happen.  I had really been struggling with the idea of that Scott died so young and how horrible of a way he died.   I have finally come to terms with it all. I still feel sad when I work on the videos but mostly I feel grateful that I got to be apart of all his services.  I am so happy that I got to capture all this to share with my large beautiful family.    This video is just of Final roll call and people paying their respect.  I felt as if it deserved its on video cause its so powerful.  I know its probably hard to know or feel what was felt that day but at least the family will get a chance to be apart of it.  I was really not prepared for the final roll call.  I had no idea what it was and no clue when they were going to do it.  They didn't announce that they would be doing it but all the sudden you could hear from the back of the room peoples names being called out. Then they said  " Lt. C Burgan , Lt. C Scott Burgan, Lt. C Scott Wilson Burgan"  . The silence was almost to much to bear.  I have never felt such a feeling as I did that day.  I am so grateful that the military gave him the honors he deserved.  I will let the video do the rest of the talking.   I will be putting the rest of the services in a video so everyone can see it all.

Poor Jaxty Boy



















The picture on the left is when he was 2 and the one on the right was Saturday.

On Saturday we went to bed and everything was great.  I had noticed that Jaxton was getting a cold but nothing extreme.  Well at 2AM we heard Jaxt from our room really struggling to breath.  We ran cause it sounded as if he was going to throw up. When we got in his room we realized how bad it was.  Now this is not something new (I'm gonna back up a few yrs)  Jaxton started having breathing issues alittle after he turned one.  For the first year they didn't give us a nebulizer or any of the things we could do to treat his symptoms from home.  Finally an ER doctor said that it was more than likely that Jaxt had asthma but we wouldn't get an official diagnosis until he was five.  This Dr.  decided that it was silly that we didn't have things at home to help and so he helped us.  It was wonderful cause since then we have usually been able to keep everything under control without going to the ER.  We have had some moments where after trying everything at home we still had to go to the hospital.  The first time this ever happened was so scary cause we did not understand what was going on.  Each time after that we got a little more comfortable cause we were better at identifying when it was most serious and after a while we really learned how to take care of him in these moments. (back to current episode)  So on Saturday when we got to him I took him immediately to get in the shower to help him calm down.  This is usually one of the first things we do.  It makes everything so much worse when they are panicking but this time I couldn't even get him in the shower cause he was so scared.  I hurried and got his abuteral and nebulizer out and we tried to get a treatment going but he was so bad that he couldn't even get any sound out to speak to us.  We realized his chest was retracting which is a very bad sign at that point the whole family is in the hallway and running to get ready so we could run to the ER.  He was so bad that Alex wanted to be there so we decided to all go.  I don't think we have ever had that scary of an experience.  I have never not been able to calm him down.  It was horrifying.  When we got in the car I realized Payton was crying and I told him that Jaxton was going to be OK and he said to me " I heard him mom but I went back to sleep.  I shouldn't have gone back to sleep I didn't take care of him.  Maybe he wouldn't be this bad if I would have got up right when I heard him. "  Hearing Payton say these things broke my heart.  He is such a great brother and over the yrs he has been our ears in moments like these.  Payton and Jaxton share a room so Payton is usually the one who wakes us to let us know Jaxt isn't well.  I felt so bad for Payton cause he just couldn't stop crying.  Then I have my Jaxton sitting right next to him just wheezing and struggling for every breath.  When we got to the ER we really got service faster than we ever had but they could hear Jaxton the moment we walked through the doors.  The nurse picked Jaxton up and weighed him then did his stats she then picked Jaxton up and took him to one of the triage rooms.  We have never been taken to one of these rooms and literally as we are walking in the room we were surrounded by Dr.s Nurses and Respiratory therapists.  Their immediate reaction was amazing to me but also made me a little more concerned because they obviously were very concerned.  They gave him oral steroids immediately that help open everything up so he can breath.  They hooked him up to machines and the even put oxygen on him.  Now I know this sounds funny cause you would think that would be something they do every time but they don't they just usually do steroids and breathing treatments.  But this time Jaxton was so bad that his heart beat was so high cause it was trying to keep up with his breathing. They were concerned for his heart so that is why they put the oxygen on so he wouldn't have to work so hard to breath and his heart could slow down.  This was all so scary but it was comforting once we had Dr's around him helping him.  His oxygen levels were at 84% before we left home.  If you don't know that is really low. Anything under 95% they want to treat but if you go under 90%  its really scary cause it can start to cause problems with the rest of his body.  Especially his brain.  It was amazing to watch cause withing 20 min. of being there they had his oxygen back up to 96% which was a huge turn around.  It really gives you an appreciation for medical staff and medicines.  Without those steroid's he would have not turned around.   Through all these experiences its really made me realize how precious life really is.  I mean my son can go to bed with no symptoms , completely fine , and wake up a couple hrs later and be fighting for his life.  It is also amazing to me how quick he can pull back up to a safer place.   The Dr told us that he wasn't just having asthma issues he also had croup.  What stinks for Jaxton is that he can barley be getting a sick and because of his asthma it turns ugly way quick and usually stays around longer. Croup is not common among kids older than 4yrs old but Jaxt is just so vulnerable to everything.  I feel so bad for Jaxton cause not only does this usually keep him down for up to 2 weeks this yr.  He was suppose to be going to one of the biggest dance conventions in the world with his studio on Thursday.  The convention is in Las Vegas.  He is so sad about this that he is almost depressed.  He has been looking forward to this convention for a yr.  Its also really frustrating cause the convention will not reimburse us our money.  It costs allot of money for these and we don't have money to throw away like that.  I really thought they would be understanding that it was a medical problem not just someone that doesn't want to go anymore.  Oh well I am grateful that Jaxton is doing better and that's whats most important.   I am sad that Jaxton has to deal with this Asthma stuff but I know he is growing from his experiences.  In  the car today he said "why do I have to have this"  I said to him that I was sorry then he replied to me " I guess its not that bad I could have cancer.  I am glad that its just Asthma"  He is such a cute boy and really tenderhearted.  I feel so blessed to have this boy.
Here are some pictures from how little he was when he first stated getting this.



It was so cute cause when Jaxton was really little he was so good at the treatment stuff that he would quickly grab drinks from his bottle during them. 



He also slepped through everything we did for him.



This picture breaks my heart he just looks so sick

 

These two pics really show how unfazed he was by this all.

 

 

 

This picture really pulls at my heart.  It captures how sad and worried Payton was and it also show how sick Jaxt was.  Payton has always been such a great support to Jaxton when he is sick.  I love that Payton is holding Jaxtons hand to bring him comfort.

 

 

Jaxton is currently keeping his oxygen levels at a decent spot.  We just have him on bed rest.  Which is really hard for my boy that literally never stops dancing.

A normal day at my house

So  we all know that Jaxton loves to dance and can do it all day ever day but what most of you don't know is that all my kids can dance non-stop.  It's so cute to watch and sometimes can be frustrating cause I constantly have to clear a dance floor for them.  I also have to keep the peace being that both my boys are competitive.  Here are a couple videos of them taking turns dancing.  I find myself being protective about sharing these videos cause I am a perfectionist as well and whenever a mistake is made I feel like they should start over but I am always reminding myself that they don't and I have to let my stuff get out of the way of them having fun ( I can't believe I just admitted that).  Jaxton and Lola are dancing on competitive teams right now and Payton has just decided that he is going to do it next yr when they do tryouts.  I never ever would have imagined being a dance mom especially to all my children.  Being a mom and all the surprises that come with that always keeps me on my toes and growing.

 

Jaxton

 

 

Payton

 

 

Lola

 

 

These kids seriously keep me smiling.  I love how brave they are.  They could really dance all day long everyday.  So this is just a glimpse into what our days really look like.

I get to be a grandma at age 30

So I have had allot of criticism about Alex and I embracing being grandparents at such a young age.  People have said things like "your not even related like that"   " Richard is not your son so its not your place" .   I have honestly been surprised by all the negative we have received about it.  It has reminded me how blessed I was to be raised by two parents that have always embraced others as their own children and countless others as their grandchildren.  I was taught very young that its not about our blood relations or being correct about our titles its all about the more love you can give a child the better.   So if I get to to be Caydence grandma I am honored that I get to give her that extra love from me. 
So it all started after Tori and Ricky had called to tell us that they were going to have a baby.  We are so close to Tori and Ricky and we truly claim them as our own as well.  It felt so good to know that we were one of the first to know and that Ricky and Tori were struggling cause they didn't feel like cousin or aunt would really represent who we are to them.  They asked us if we would be willing to think about what we would be comfortable with Caydence calling us.  Alex and I set down and talked and we were 100% OK with being her grandparents.  When we called to tell Tori and Ricky they were so relieved when we told them that we didn't care what others thought we would be honored to be her grandparents and that we couldn't wait to be all of the things grandmas and grandpas are for their grandchildren.  It was so much easier than we had imagined to step into that role.  We made a trip to Nebraska before she was born cause we wanted to help them get set up for this new baby.  We remember so well that if it wasn't for my parents we wouldn't have even had a car seat for Payton. Being young and becoming a parent for the first time is manly hard on us financial.  We were so happy that we could help with these things for them.  Tori had also asked me if I would be in the delivery room with her.  I couldn't believe that she thought that much of me that they were willing to share in one of the neatest moments of their life.  Needless to say I was so touched by this it brought me to tears.  I was so worried that because I lived so far that I wouldn't make it in time.   So when Tori called me to tell me that she had been having contractions that were like 10 min apart for almost 24 hrs I knew it was probably not braxton hicks.  I just told them to keep me updated constantly  I was feeling very strong that it was the real deal but everyone was telling me I was crazy and that she was not due for more than a week and it was probably false labor.  When Ricky called me around 2 am and her contractions were now 5 min. apart.  I decided at this point that I didn't care what others were telling me that I needed to trust my gut.  I was able to get on a flight heading to Nebraska by 5am.  When I landed around 1pm They came to pick me up.  Tori's contractions had slowed down and we decided to go to lunch at apple bee's . In that moment I thought oh no did I screw up.  While eating lunch her contractions began to get intense again.  We went back to their place and I decided I was going to take Tori on a couple walks.  Well I think the walking did the trick cause by 8pm we went to the birthing center and had her midwife check her.  Tori was at 5cm.  I couldn't believe it.  The midwife told us to go walk around for 1 more hr. cause at 5 cm it can either move fast or regress.  So we went to the store across the street and walked it.  We got some snacks for us cause we knew it might be a long night.  By 10:30pm she was sitting on a birthing ball and breathing through her contractions.  I was so impressed with Tori and how brave she was to take on labor with no drugs .  She did so well.  It was really fun for me cause for some reason Tori and I were really connected during her birthing process so not only did I get to be in the room I got to be actively involved in helping her get through her contractions and assist her with staying calm.   The midwifes pretty much stayed out of the way cause things were going so good.  I won't share more details because that it for Tori to tell.  I will say that at 3:30 am I got to help Tori get out of the tub and helped her sit on this birthing stool with Richard sitting behind her within seconds that baby came whisping out.  Literally she came out without Tori pushing.  I can not even begin to explain what an amazing feeling it was to be so close to this baby as she entered this world.  And watching two people become parents is just priceless.  The emotions in the room were so high.  I couldn't believe that they were parents and that I got to be this beautiful baby girls grandma.  I was not prepared for how attached I would feel for this tiny 5lbs 1.2 oz and 18in long beautiful little girl.  I got to be so involved.  I helped with everything.  The amazing thing was that by 7am  we were heading home.  That is how they do it at a birthing center.  I was so glad that I was there to help them cause the first couple days are the hardest as a first time parent.  You are learning so much like giving baths , correct latching on so you can have a great experience nursing.   I am so grateful that Tori let me be so involved with all this.  I had so much fun helping and holding Caydence so mama could get some much needed rest before I would need to go home.  I was sad cause I only got to stay 5 days instead of a full week  but, when I left I felt so sad to be leaving but so confident that these two young parents were going to be incredible at being parents.  They have been so amazing with wanting to be the best parents they could be and they both have been very clear that there were things that they will do different than their own parents. They have been so amazing with including us with everything .  Our kids have just loved that they get to be uncles and Aunts.  Being that to them was never thought different our kids truly feel as if  Ricky is their brother.  He lived with us for almost two yrs so Jaxt never knew life without his big brother Ricky and Ricky has been amazing at making our boys feel as if he is their big brother.  Tori is so great with my kids to that she is really like my daughter.  I can't say enough of how blessed I felt that Ricky got to come live with us and that we have been blessed with the opportunity  to be a big part of his life which has brought us to be apart of  Tori who is such an amazing woman and now we get to be grandparents to the cutest little girl ever.  It has felt so natural from the get go to call myself grandma to her.  

There is going to be a ton of pictures but I really want to remember all these moments

 

My First Picture with my granddaughter

 

I love these pictures of Ricky and Tori holding their baby for the first time.  I will never forget this moment and their reactions.  It still brings tears to my eyes

Tori Calling her Dad

 

       I love this picture cause it really shows how tiny She was when she was born.

I just couldn't get enough of Cece

 

I loved watching Tori just check out her baby.  She was glowing.

Getting her dressed to go home.  She was only 4 hrs old.  It was a good thing I had bought Caydence a couple of preemie outfits cause she needed them.  They even were big on her.

 

Sitting in her car seat for the first time.

 

Going Home!

 

I just couldn't get enough of her.  I also couldn't get enough pictures.

 

Richard went back to work the day after she was home since I was there to help Tori.  When he got home that first night he was so tired but just couldn't wait to hold Cece. It was so precious seeing him asleep with his daughter in his arms.  He is such a sweet dad.

 

I got to take some pictures of her before I left.  She was so tiny that Tori was a little worried about taking her to get her pictures taken but she also wanted to capture her as a newborn.  I didn't do perfect but I am glad a couple turned out. That tutu is a newborn and it just swallowed her.  I just love the way her hand is under her chin.  She looks so sweet

 

 

This was their first family photo it was taken in the waiting room of the birthing center

 

Every night I got to spend a couple hrs cuddling with this precious little baby so that her mama could get some sleep.  As soon as she woke up I would take her to Tori so she could nurse.  I loved doing this. There is nothing more special than holding a sleeping newborn.

 

Meme and Caydence!  When I went to kiss her she totally leaned in and opened her mouth.

 

I loved her tiny feet

 

This is a picture I took at 4 am while I was holding Caydence for the last time for at least a couple months.  It was so harder to leave than I could have imagined.  The hardest thing about being a grandma is not living close enough to my beautiful granddaughter. I miss her everyday.  I just want to see her grow and be more apart than I can from so far away. Tori has done an amazing job at sending me messages with updates and pictures and even videos of all her new noises and  cute screams.

I don't know if I could do it without Tori.  

 

 

 

I just don't know if words can do justice to how much I love Caydence and her mom and dad.  I am so grateful that they have allowed me and my family to be such a big part of their lives.  To all those that have thought it was weird and have judged our decision to be a grandma and grandpa you don't really understand the love we have for this little family and don't understand Alex and I and our desire to love and support all people in our lives to the best of our abilities.  We figure the more love that anyone can have in their life can do nothing but better their lives.  So Thank you Tori and Ricky for enriching our life's.  We love you so much and we are so so so proud of the Parents and Adults your are becoming.  We also can't wait for you to live closer so we can have you around more.  :)