Here we go again.

5 days ago I noticed that my vision was going blurry on and off.   I just kept telling myself its other things but today its way worse.  My Journey with all this started when I was pregnant with my beautiful Lola.  I had vision loss in one eye. We went to the eye doctor and he very quickly told me that he thought it could be something like MS.  My life changed that day.    So back to today it hit real hard when this symptom returned and it is worse its now both eyes.  It really scares me and I don't like to admit it.  I decided when this all started that I was not going to complain and let this interfere with my family.  Obviously I couldn't control my life being disrupted by my symptom's.  There was times I couldn't even pick my baby up and I couldn't feel her hair as I ran my hand through it. I just worked so hard to be strong and handle it.  Tonight I was overwhelmed with emotions that I have never let myself feel.  It felt just like it did in that moment that the doctor told me there was nothing he could do for my vision.  I know I can't live in the what ifs but I also have to be realistic that my life could change at the drop of a hat.  I honestly can not comprehend not being able to see my Payton holding his animals, jaxton dancing , and all of Lola's outfits.   It really makes me look up and ask myself am I taking advantage of all the opportunity's that I have with my kids and Alex.  I know that  if I woke up tomorrow and couldn't see , walk, or feel my arms I would be so upset with myself if I didn't do as much as I could when I was able to.   I know that in a couple days I won't be emotional and I will have my game face on but I had to acknowledge that I do feel the emotions over all this.  I haven't Had any symptoms since July. That's the longest time frame I have ever gone and I can honestly say I almost forgot that my life can change so quickly and I can't choose the ways it goes.  I almost convinced myself I was cured.  So know I get up and figure out how my kids will get to school, dance , wrestling.  Thank heavens I have the most loving and supportive husband who just loves me unconditionally.  I feel so much guilt around the fact that he has to take lots on when symptoms come on and that at some point he might have to completely care for me.  I don't think he deserves that. I am so grateful that he just tells me every time that it will all get handled and its OK he loves me and would do anything for me.  I couldn't ask for a better best friend to be here for me.  Tonight he cried with me, held me, started a bath for me so I could relax.  I LOVE YOU ALEX MILLAR!!!! I couldn't do all this without you.  As I was listening to my music tonight a song really hit me and its exactly what I have to do

              Cause when push comes to shove you taste what your made of. You might bend tell you break cause its all you can take. On your knees you look up decide you've had enough. You get mad , you get strong, wipe you hands, shake it off,  Then you STAND.
            Take what your given before it gone start holding on, keep holding on.  Every time you get up  and get back in the race one more small piece of you starts to fall into place. Then you STAND!

So now I STAND no matter how hard it gets. I know its going to be frustrating, sad,  and sometimes moments of me seeing what I am really capable of.  I promise, I really promise I am going to Stand not just for my kids and husband but for myself. I have to remember I am worth that.  I know I am strong I just get to choose to be living there and not be complacent in my life.   So here we go I am going to jump in and take this on.  Sorry for the pity party but sometimes I just have to let myself feel those things for just a moment before I STAND.